How To Pretend You Know What You’re Doing in the Gym

By Michelle Heffernan

So, if you’re anything like me, you signed your salary over to a gym this month in an effort to , you know, have something to talk about with the others at elevenses. No big deal you thought.

WRONG. Turns out its actually a terrifying place

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Everyone’s doing like cartwheels and belly dancing jigs and as soon as you try to like attempt a burpie theyr’e definitely all looking at how wrong you’re doing it

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So, to save you from many more moments of embarrasment we’ve come up with a handy guide of how to fit in at your local gym

Step 1. Dress up

First thing First. You must look the part. Yes I know you thought it was ok to go to the gym in that tshirt you got from RAG week in college and your GAA shorts, ( I did too) but it turns out, the more money you spend on gym clothes, the better you are it?So head into Lifestyle or Sports Direct there and get about 5 different gym top and bottom combos. You can’t be seen wearing the same ones twice in one week. Everyone will know you don’t belong and they’ll also, eh think you smell?

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Oh and colour co-ordinate the sh*t out of it. That’s going to be important for step 3. To think I almost wore me fella’s shorts on the treadmill

Step 2. Glam up

Ok, you got the gear now you need the slap! Same rules apply here basically-more is more. I mean its hard to believe, but  I actually thought people went to the gym to like sweat? I wont be making that mistake again! Turns out the gym is full of people wearing full faces of makeup looking at themselves.  Must be some new workout technique. Anyway, you don’t want to be going au natural over to the weights section. You’re gonna need at least two coats of fake tan, some extensions, false lashes and lip gloss to begin with. Not “night out stun hun” but, you know, enough to look good in that awful gym lighting.

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 If you’re a fella there’s not a whole lot you can do here except show off some tattoos. Preferably on your biceps or calves. They seem to be a popular way to emphasise the muscles, and you know, look like you’re used to lifting weights in the Joy or something.

Step 3. Snap n Pap it.

Basically Take lots of selfies. Theres no point in actually going to the gym unless you have photo evidence! See, these days you don’t want to actually work out, improve fitness, and improve cardio vascular fitness. Nope. You just take lots of photos of you in simulated poses, so people think that’s what you’ve been doing. I dunno what its about personally, maybe some new art life imitation trend. Anyway, alls I know is there’s a lot of snapping and not a lot of sweating going on, so download a photo app now and head over to the rowing machine to burn some calories, I mean, camera film

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Step 4. Brag Brag Brag

The last step may be the most important. In order to really convince the world youre a gym bunny, youre going to have to talk about it. A lot. I mean like all the time? Try turning every topic of conversation over to the fact that you did 20 squats in 30 seconds.

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Next time you have a presentation, “accidentally” flick to some video of you giving a virtual workout at the gym. Every time your pedometer goes up 100 steps make an emphatic YESSS sound in the office, and eh, throw a load of kale in people’s faces just so they really get the message you’re a lean mean gyming machine.

Have fun in the gym! And do remember, this article is written in jest, with no offence intended to any gym aficionado at all at all

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